Still here....

Life has a way of getting in the way of everything else. Things have seemed to be weighing so hard on my heart and mind - most days I wake up vomiting - I find myself at this time of night in such an excited state of panic and anxiety that I feel like I'm just going to spontaneously combust - and having the feeling that it wouldn't be such a bad thing.
anger
self blame
frustration
trapped
out of control
waiting for the next axe to fall
I have been a rain cloud. I can't even say one is following me around - I AM THE CLOUD. And I hate it. I know - I am taking steps to try to get out of the place I am.... I have started seeing a counselor. Our plan of action - to teach me to control my emotions and my anger.... and hope that it in turn helps with all the other mess that is my brain and heart.

Well - I will try to keep you posted on my progress. Really hoping I can shake this. I really don't want Blue Bird growing up - thinking mom is off her rocker.

Gotta quit looking over my shoulder - seeing where that next tornado is....

As Fall comes near....

August starts the time of year that brings my heart to turmoil. There are precious little ones that I know are coming up on birthdays.... their moms are the ones that tried to lift my heart the best they could when we lost Bumble Bee. His third birthday is right around the corner.... And the questions are still there - why? what did I do for this to happen? Am I really a mother to a little boy in an urn that sits no more than 10 feet away from my bed? Is there nothing I can do to bring him back? Please?

Time....

It's been forever since I've been here. Work has been beyond stressful.... and by the time I get home - I just want to cuddle with Blue Bird and forget the day. But today is the first day of vacation - much, much needed vacation. Hoping to have some time to heal my heart and mind.

After Bumble Bee went away - I found a lot of peace and friendship at a pregnancy/parenting website with other moms to angels. My day revolved around touching base with everyone and helping new moms and just not being "abnormal".... But lately I find myself typing a response to a new mom's broken heart..... and then instantly erasing it..... I feel like a broken record and that my words can't make a difference.

What can I say? Words can't fix what's wrong. God - if they could - I wouldn't be the mess I am. I have two little boys in this house - one asleep in a crib - and one in an urn on a shelf. How does that make any sense? How is that right?

Sorry..... feels like tornado weather here.....

Surrender....

The tears have been creeping in every day. And I have been cutting them off each time. Blue Bird was fighting his nap this morning - so I put in a CD that I had made for him - with many of the songs that had been on his brother's nap CD too. I rocked and sang to him... and had to bite back the tears. All I want to do is sit here and cry. Cry for Bumble Bee - cry for the growing sense of loss - I am so blessed with every minute God lets us have Blue Bird - but it is an every day reminder of what we missed out on.... here they come... I just can't stop them. I give up - I surrender.

Unexpected Gift

When you are a DB parent.... you come to a place where you know you are not going to get anything "new" in the form memories for that child. That little spirit is not here anymore - so - the only memories after you say that last good-bye are the ones of your life with that missing piece.

I am not a good one with dates. Never have been - never will. I also did not think to make a big deal about my pregnancy - why concentrate on everything? It's not like it would make a difference once the baby gets here....... right? But after losing Bumble Bee - I scrambled to hold on to ANYTHING that was associated with him. Hell - if I would have known - I would have saved EVERYTHING about my pregnancy.... all the way down to the receipt from the pedicure I had two weeks before his birth. Yeah - finding anything associated with the DB becomes VERY important.

So - here's the gift I got this week. I had been very sick Tuesday and Wednesday - and finally decided to drag my butt to Urgent Care. They asked when was the last time I visited them - and I remembered - it was when I thought I had the stomach flu. That flu bug turned out to be me - pregnant with Bumble Bee. The receptionist must have thought I was nuts - because I asked her - for a pen - and the date that I had been there.....

March 7th, 2007.

I did not know this date.

I have something new.

A gift.

Poppies... Poppies. Poppies will put them to sleep.

Photo by нσвσ

Tonight is going to be rough. I know sleep will elude me more than normal. I woke up this morning from the worst nightmare.... And the worst part - is how the dream me handled it.

I dreamt that I took Blue Bird with me to work - but he was a baby again and in a carrier. While I was talking to my co-workers - I walked over to where he was sitting in his carrier - to find that he had died. He was cold... a little blue... stiff... and my dream self - just held him. No tears - no screaming... I held him. Kissed him. And put him back in his carrier.

Everyone kept working like they didn't want to accept what was going on. They would change the subject on me when I wanted to talk about it. I kept thinking that the police need to be called and that I hoped I would not be blamed.

I was trying to figure out how to tell my mom. I thought I'd call my step-dad and have him tell her. Then I went to look for a co-worker that is also a good friend - afraid that she was going to blame me. I looked over and saw that Blue Bird was all alone - so I went over and picked him up. And again - just held him. He looked like Bumble Bee now - the coloring... And I just rocked him.

Still no tears.

Then he moved. First just his legs... then I could hear him breath... and I was showing everyone that he was okay. And I thought "I wonder if he'll be different now".... and then my brain told me it wasn't Blue Bird I was holding - but Bumble Bee.

Then my alarm went off.

what the fuck

I am carrying this horror in my heart today. I did not want to leave for work - didn't want to drop Blue Bird off at the sitter's house. I felt like I needed to tell her about my dream so she'll keep a better eye one him today...

I know if it was Bumble Bee - I should be happy with the extra time I was given with him - even if it was in my dreams...

Mr. Blue Bird on my shoulder....

I did get my tattoo over the weekend! Love it! If you have ever seen a new tattoo - you know the first week or two - they are not pretty. Remember how the ink gets there - needles - so - there is scabbing. So - I thought I would at least post the ink stencil Sarah made....

To keep it soft - she did not tattoo an outline - it's all color / shading. Did it turn out EXACTLY like this picture? No. She improvised and tweaked things here and there. It doesn't help that I am a very moley (sp?) person - so - she had to work around those.

My little blue bird ignored the tattoo all day on Saturday. But Sunday came - and he decided that patting the bird was the thing to do. OUCH!

I'm hoping the healing will be complete in a week or two - and I will post a picture then!

Someone loves me!!!!!

How tickled I was when stalking.... ur... visiting Suzy's blog and read that she picked me for.....

When you receive the Happy 101 Award, you have to list 10 things that make your day and then list 10 blogs worthy of this award. Post a link to the blogs you nominate, and make sure you let them know that they have been nominated!

(1) Blue Bird's smile. His whole face lights up all the way through his eyes.

(2) Blog up-dates. I think those I stalk would be amazed at how often I check to see if they've posted.

(3) Waking up to Wizard. He has the most incredible heart. He is a wonderful husband and father.

(4) Fully charged I-Pod. Love keeping my music close by

(5) Talking/e-mailing with mom. Yes - she is a part of the "Evil Overlords" - but she knows my heart

(6) Seeing the momma bird on her nest. I know this one will not last - but I love seeing her there in the morning - keeping her eggs safe.

(7) Pictures from sitter. In the afternoon - Bird's sitter usually sends me a picture - so I can see what my little man is up to

(8) Touching base with internet friends. There are a wonderful group of ladies that have helped me through losing Bumble Bee - love keeping up with them

(9) Pictures on my desk. I really don't love my job - so - seeing my boys' pictures during the day - keeps my heart light.

(10) A good book or three. I am in the middle of three books right now - I love being able to sneak a few pages in every day.

Picking 10 bogs? I'll have to work on this and edit later.

Back to Kansas to bring back to OZ?

Who knew a simple TV show would throw my heart into a tornado....

The show is "Fringe" - I was really into it when it first started but had stopped watching it until last night. If you haven't watched the show - it's basically about strange occurrences that seem to all come back to scientific studies one man (who is now loony) had been doing in the 70's. It's just now starting to get to the meat of what he was actually doing back then. It all boils down to his son was dying - and he was doing whatever he could to save him.

In the 70's, he had discovered a way of looking at a parallel universe - where our lives could be different. He could see "himself" working on a cure on the "other side" (we'll call it Kansas) - hoping to see what he needed to do to save his boy. But - while he was busy watching and working in his world (we'll call it OZ) - his son dies. And you guessed it - shortly after they bury his son - Kansas him does find the cure - but doesn't see it. So - OZ him decides he's going to jump to Kansas - get his son - to bring him to OZ for a cure. When he gets to Kansas - he promises his wife in Kansas - he'll cure him and return him.

Are you still with me? He goes to Kansas - gets his son - brings him to OZ - and gives him the cure. As his son is laying in the lab - his OZ wife walks in. The scene is incredibly moving... she sees her son - knows what her husband had done - walks up - and places her hand over her son's mouth to feel his breath. She pulls him to her and looks at her husband.... He tells her he's healed - but he promised to take him back to Kansas....

But you guessed it - that's what makes the whole story - because in the future in OZ - his son is alive and well... he never took him back.

wow. In my heart I always thought - if I could have just gone back and made different desicions so Bumble Bee could be here with us.... But what if it is at the cost of another little one? Making another mom not get her child?

I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy. Never.

But to see another woman pick her own heart over someone elses - I have to stop and think - if I really knew... if deep down I knew it was possible to have him back...

what would I decide?

Mish-Mosh

I have not been able to get the perogies done. I have the filling made, the butter and onions precooked.... but between feeling exhausted and Blue Bird going through some kind of phase (very clingy, won't eat... more teeth coming in?) - I just haven't gotten any further. Trying to not throw in the towel this year and get store made ones.... but the closer we get to the weekend - that's looking more and more like the right idea.

Good news on the weight loss front - 3 pounds down this week! We are having a "Greatest Loser" contest here at work (started on Monday) - so - that's helping me to keep an eye on what I eat and to get moving more. Even went to a "Boot Camp" workout yesterday at lunch time. Can barely move today - but - as they say - no pain no gain!

In an odd place right now. I just feel so far away from Bumble Bee. Not sure what I need to do to fix it. His flower box at the house needs worked on. Maybe I can tackle that after work a few nights this week. Goodness knows we need to get our butts out in the fresh, warm air while it's actually here.

Okay - done rambling. Hope to post something productive soon. :o)