Ah ha!!!!!

<---- Now I know why I need to start a beauty routine! It's all so clear now! It's how I can keep Wizard from roaming. (click on pictures to enlarge)

And I figured out what my self esteem problem has been all of these years - not enough pop as a child.....

You have no power here! Now begone, before somebody drops a house on you!

Powerless is an understatement. I have hit a place where it seems like everything is wrong. Everything I do - everything I think - just everything. The only bright light in my day is being with Wizard and Blue Bird - and how much time is that? Forty five minutes in the morning and two to three hours in the evening? How can I be a mom in that short of time? Make sure he's fed, bathed, trying to teach him to brush his teeth (or at least let me try to do it), play..... And when I don't feel like I'm doing a good job there - then the guilt over Bumble Bee bubbles back up. Augh. I didn't want to do this kind of thing here. But my life - my mothering - is so much a part of both boys - that I feel like this is the only place I can.

ETA: It seems like I am not alone in this trip back into The Pit. One DB friend sent me an e-mail today that had the findings of a research study on "The Unique Experiences of Women and Their Families After the Death of a Baby". More confirmation that I am not crazy - at least not in this respect. Another friend posted on her blog how she is hurting for her son.

It's always just under the surface. Ready to smack me in the head. I am so sick and tired. Just so, so tired.

I'll get you my pretty!

Yeah - calling me "pretty" gives you the same eye rolls as calling me "Ma'am" or "Lady". I think the context it was said in the movie is the ONLY way I'd be okay with it.

Well - my quest for all things pretty on the internet took some very odd turns. To the point where I'm not so sure where to begin.... what I should be looking for... What words do you even use in your search? Pretty.... beauty.... fashion....

What started this whole idea and quest? I stalk a few blogs of DB parents.... Just to see that we are not freaks in our thoughts about our journey in OZ..... To be a giver of - I wouldn't call it wisdom - but maybe to provide a thought or a little bit of comfort of the other walkers of this fickle Yellow Brick Road. ANYWAY! One of my cyber friends had a link to a website where I was pushed into this feeling of wanting to be pretty....
http://www.superkawaiimama.com/
Can I just say WOW!!!! The hair, the make-up, the incredible style Candace DeVille has! Her site just wants me to want to be girly. (ETA: Check out the links she has listed - more world of girly!!!!)

So - where am I with this whole idea.... Still in the idea phase. I am procrastinating soooooo bad about starting any type of beauty routine. Even typing that makes me shutter. I think I am still fighting with the "Is is worth my time?" But - I also hear that little voice (yes - I do hear voices - sue me) - "Aren't you worth taking that time?" So - again - the internal battle is happening. Not sure how far I'm going to take this idea here...... we'll see how the hat sits on my head!

I feel pretty, Oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty.....

Oops - wrong movie!


Those that know me in TRW - know that I am the poster child for low maintenance. Make-up - rarely. Clothes - jeans and t-shirt. Hair - oh sweet Pete - short? long? blond? brown? streaky highlights? It changes more often than I would like to admit. I run with - It's what's on the inside the matters! Don't judge a book by its cover! Yadda, yadda, yadda....

But what about how I feel about me? Do I like me? Well - I'm working on it. I love how the hubby always tells me to take a shower - you'll feel better. Really? Hot water and some suds fixes what I got?

I have been recently toying with the idea that I need to start taking better care of myself. Not just losing weight and exercising.... but taking a little pride in how I look. Maybe I can pull myself up and get a better feeling towards every day if the lady in the mirror didn't look like Miss Elmira Gulch (see - I got back to the OZ theme - you were waiting for it weren't you?). Quit using the excuses that I have a little one - that I don't have the time - I'm too over-weight to find cool clothes (but really - have you looked at fat lady clothes? Why do the designers think we like big flowers and gaudy colors?) - who cares how I look?

So - where do I start? OKAY - friends - quit yelling about the eyebrows - I know - but damn that wax hurts! No, seriously.... where does one look for inspiration? My new goal for the rest of this week - look for inspiration on-line. If I can sit and look at pages and pages of LOLCatz craving their cheezburgers - I can find some prettiness out there!

Wish me luck!

(Glinda) Are you a good witch, or a bad Witch?

(DG) I'm not a witch at all. I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas.


Well - used to be from Kansas... jury is still out on the witch part.

Since losing Bee - we're in OZ. A very strange land that makes a person question if they are a good witch - or a bad witch.



DB Parents get this from those around them - What did she do to make her baby die? Did she not listen to her doctor? Why didn't they push for a c-section when the induction failed? We do it to ourselves......What if we would have put the car seat in before leaving for the hospital? Should I have questioned why that last bio-physical took so long?

And it doesn't stop with Bee. It goes on with Bird too. Shouldn't they have waited longer? Are they trying to replace Bee?...... Should we do this again? Are we being dishonorable towards Bee? Am I worthy of a child or is God going to take this one away too?

Raising Bird has had it's demons too. We question everything and everyone. Question if we're disciplining right... feel guilty for getting frustrated....you can't find patience with a 13 month old after your first one is dead?.....

I love both of my boys with all my heart. Just wish (for both their sakes) - that it wasn't such a damaged heart.

Wonder if the TinMan would trade me?

Follow me down the yellow brick road....

So - I assume you have guessed - I'm a fan of The Wizard of Oz. How can I not be? The story of a girl... who gets ripped from her "normal"... journey's into the unknown with her best friend... meets some great friends (and realizes how precious some old friends are too)... fights evil... finds her inner strength... and knows the value of rainbows. My life mimics that. My tornado hit when I lost Bumble Bee - my first son. The journey into the unknown - well - that's my daily life since losing him. The best friend is my husband - I'll call him The Wizard (I'm sure he would not like to be called Toto). Those friends would be all those that have walked by my side since the tornado - those on a similar journey - and those that knew me before the storm. Fighting evil? Well - that would be the daily fight against sadness, guilt, The Pit.... Inner strength? Still working on it. I have my rainbow [child born after loss] that I call my little Blue Bird. He keeps me going - makes me want to keep fighting evil - working on that inner strength...

So - have I scared you yet? Wanna follow me down this yellow brick road? I can't promise that I will always be singing and skipping. Goodness knows there are days where I feel more like The Wicked Witch of the East - smashed under a house - with my ugly socks on. Some where I am stuck - clicking my heals - trying to go back to life before the winds blew me onto this course. And then there are the days when I'm more like Glinda - and you'll want to slap the happy right out of me. Come on - it'll be fun!