Mish-Mosh

I have not been able to get the perogies done. I have the filling made, the butter and onions precooked.... but between feeling exhausted and Blue Bird going through some kind of phase (very clingy, won't eat... more teeth coming in?) - I just haven't gotten any further. Trying to not throw in the towel this year and get store made ones.... but the closer we get to the weekend - that's looking more and more like the right idea.

Good news on the weight loss front - 3 pounds down this week! We are having a "Greatest Loser" contest here at work (started on Monday) - so - that's helping me to keep an eye on what I eat and to get moving more. Even went to a "Boot Camp" workout yesterday at lunch time. Can barely move today - but - as they say - no pain no gain!

In an odd place right now. I just feel so far away from Bumble Bee. Not sure what I need to do to fix it. His flower box at the house needs worked on. Maybe I can tackle that after work a few nights this week. Goodness knows we need to get our butts out in the fresh, warm air while it's actually here.

Okay - done rambling. Hope to post something productive soon. :o)

Hippity, hoppity, Easter's on it's way!

It's almost here! Easter! Hands down my favorite holiday. Many happy childhood memories go with Easter - all the kids on my Bio-Dad's side posing on the back of Grandma and Grandpa's couch with our Easter baskets in hand... being at my great Aunt's house after church with a long row of suckers (how they used to package the little, flat suckers)... as a teen going to church with my Granddad and Bubba for mid-night mass and the blessing of the basket... Granddad and Bubba showing us how to make bunnies out of Styrofoam balls and pink & white pipe cleaners... coloring eggs...

I am attempting year #2 of making home made pierogi. Last year I was able to make about 3 dozen potato and cheese ones... but got bored and hated being stuck in the kitchen with a cute 4 month old in the other room. I have stolen the recipe from Gary and Chris Dyrkacz's website.... http://home.comcast.net/~dyrgcmn/Pierogi/pierogi.html. Just perfect!!!! I have also taken up their suggestion and purchased the Cut-and-Seal from Pampered Chef (placed the order the Monday after last Easter). So - I'm hoping with the cheating utensil - to make many more potato/cheese pierogi and even some sour crout ones! Oh yum, yum.... just dripping in butter and onion goodness.... I hope to be able to take lots of pictures to share with you! It will keep me on pace this weekend - knowing I have to show some proof of completion.

This year I am also hoping the weather cooperates so we can have an Easter Egg Hunt at the Evil Overlords'. The thought of watching Blue Bird stumble around the yard with a basket warms my heart. Oh - and I have ordered a hand made tie for him and a new dress shirt (JC Penney). I LOVE the website http://www.etsy.com/ and try to order anything I can there instead of going through retail stores. JoJoDesign has great looking ties!

I ordered letter A for Blue Bird. I can not wait to see him in it!!!! Now if I could just find something for me to wear - I'll be all set (Wizard is on his own).

Big question - should I attempt to dye eggs with a 15 month old?

A message to a friend...

I can't make you look at what you have. I can't force you to change. I can only pray... for guidance to do what I can for you... pray that your heart and spirit are lifted to do what you need to do for yourself. I know it's easy to stand on the outside and think I see the right path for you to take. But anything is better than where you are at right now. There are so many people that love you. I wish you could see the woman I see. You are worth the fight.

ETA - and those munchkins are SO worth all the work in the world.

Lions and Tigers and Bears - Oh MY!!!

You know I've just been waiting and waiting to use that line!!!!

Took a trip to the zoo today. It was gorgeous here at home - drove the hour and a half north - to find it frigid. I'm such a bad Mommy. Had to stop first thing at the gift shop and by Blue Bird new hat and gloves. We had tons of fun. He still loves watching the kids more than the animals... but he seemed to really get a kick out of the monkeys, the wolves (he tried to bark at them as they passed), and a stork. Yes - a white stork was sitting just on the other side of a fence - about 18 inches from Blue Birds comfy, warm spot in his wagon (which is new - and he LOVES it)... They sat there and stared at each other. Too cute.



Doesn't he look like a rock star - hiding from his fans? I figure he's disguised well enough - Wizard won't get bitchy about me sharing this picture with "the world".

P.S. Tattoo appointment made! 04/10/2010 at noon! Getting a sketch from the artist soon - will share!

Seriously - What the hell?

God and I have been talking for most of my life - and it seems like over the past 2 1/2 years - I've yelled at Him a lot. He made me - He knew how I would react to losing my Bumble Bee. So - this anger is not a surprise to Him. And normally - I can keep it pretty contained... His plan for Bumble Bee is for me to accept - if begrudgingly.... But there are some days when the anger just boils over. And you guessed it - today is one of them.

I check local headlines and CNN every morning - just to see what the world did while I slept. And I'm sure this shit has gone on for centuries - and it's just with the media that I get to hear about it.... But what is this world doing to its children? EVERY where I look today is another story of a mother - a father - a stranger... killing little ones.

Do you have any idea what I would do to get Bumble Bee back? Do you know how much I wanted to be a mom to that boy here on Earth? And there are people out there that treat children as if they are garbage - that they are expendable. How many do we not hear about?

I don't know how to stop this anger. It's not a new anger - but I think since our loss it just is so compounded. I know what I lost. I see it every day while watching Blue Bird grow.

As I sit here near tears - pissed at all creation... "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" by IZ just started playing on my I-Pod. Thank you little Bumble Bee - always close - bringing Mommy back down. I know I should be thankful for my time with both my sons - they are not mine - but a gift from God to have until He sees fit. I just wish I had more time - even one more minute.

If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow, Why, oh, why can't I?

Rainbows and Blue Birds.... so happy my life has both in the form of my little man. I have a small tattoo on my left wrist with Bumble Bee's name, birthday, and a happy, fuzzy, fat bumble bee. So - I have been saving here and there - and I think I have enough $ to go ahead and get my next tattoo.... a blue bird. I e-mailed the artist that did Bumble Bee's tattoo to get the ideas started. Keep your fingers crossed - hope to have the work done before the end of the month!

There's No Place Like Home

ETA - This is not a "I'm leaving now" letter! If this is the first post of mine you have ever read - PLEASE read the one before this. Sweet Pete - I don't want anyone thinking I'm planning on leaving this Earth soon. I plan on going kicking and screaming. This is my attempt at writing my obituary. I'm still here and I want to keep it that way for a long time. :o)

Dorothy Gale - AKA Bird - AKA Baby Girl - AKA Mom - finally got to head on home to spend some time with her little Bumble Bee and many family and friends. She didn't want to go - she loved and cherished every minute with Wizard and her little Blue Bird. But she left knowing they would be all together again someday and she was not afraid. She leaves behind her husband who she kept on his toes 24 / 7 - whom she credited with making her a better person and a good mom. She also leaves her precious Blue Bird who she adores. She wanted more than anything to teach him the value of family and the importance of laughter.....

Wow... this is harder than I thought it was going to be. I want it to not be so much about my life and the things I did - but my chance to say good-bye. That's what I want my obit to be.... me getting to say good-bye to those I love.....

To the Family and Friends of Dorothy Gale,

No worries. If you are reading this in the morning paper - I have left to go see my Bumble Bee, my grandma and grandpa, my granddad and Bubba, my Pop and Granny.... and too many others that I have missed so much while on this Earth. No tears please - my life was full of love, happiness, and character building - it was a great life. I got to carry Bumble Bee for 9 wonderful months - to feel those kicks - and to be there when he silently earned his wings to teach me the true lesson of love. I got to see my Blue Bird grow, to hear him laugh, to learn that there are no boundaries to a Mother's love. I got to spend the greatest years of my life with Wizard - who taught me that love concurs even the darkest days and that no matter how crazy life would get - that a peck on the cheek and a pinch on the bottom could solve it all. My Evil Overlords taught me the importance of our family - that no matter how much they drive you nuts - they are YOUR nuts - all from the same tree. My Bio-Dad taught me what I needed to know about knowing when to let go of the past and concentrate on the now. My Evil Twin taught me to keep listening to music and to take time for myself. My Tender Hearted Big Brother taught me that no matter what is thrown your way or where you land - that with perseverance you can always come out on top. My Giant Little Brother taught me about the power of keeping that little kid inside me alive and more about taxes than anyone should want to know.

There is no great distance between us - just time. And time for me is now not an issue - my wait will not feel long... I will see each of you again. Just remember - I love you. Keep talking to me - I'll be there to listen. When you need a shove in the right direction - I'll be the wind behind you - helping you along. Please don't think of it as me haunting you - it's me still trying to be a part of your life.

Take care of each other. Never forget my love for you.

Love,
DG

Ding dong, the witch is dead!

Do not panic loved ones - no one has died! Well - at least in my real world as of late. I think the family has actually gone almost a full year without losing someone. Thank God.

I have had a morbid attachment to death for a long time. Even before Bumble Bee - all the way back into college - I often though about my own demise. I change my ideas / thoughts / feelings about it over time with what goes on in my life. I think of what songs I want at my memorial ("I'm Going Home" a sacred harp song, "In This Heart" by Sinead O'Connor, "I'll Fly Away" - a song I loved to sing at church as a child), what I want done with this body of mine (give parts to those that need them and then cremate me - put me in the sunny spot in the family cemetery)......

I am not afraid of death and I want no one crying over me. A big part of it is because I know when I go I get to see Bumble Bee and many other people I love and adore (and my friends' little angels). Some of it also comes from the fact that I had to think about it seriously at one point in my life. In the back of an ambulance - thinking the Evil Overlords have each other - they'll be okay.... my Evil Twin had her first munchkin (he was too young to miss me) and her hubby, my Tender Hearted Big Brother had his wonderful wife and first munchkin on the way, Giant [much taller than me] Little Brother had his wife with his first munchkin on the way... someone would need to watch out for the Wizard and Bio-Dad... they would have the worst go at it. So - I was ready - and still am. Today - I'm thinking about how I want my obit to read.

That's where this whole post is coming from. I read a story in a local paper yesterday about an incredible obituary written for whom I suspect was a very incredible guy. I don't think the family will mind me sharing it with you - here's the link - http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/ohio/obituary.aspx?n=denis-kuhlke&pid=140059502 How better to be remembered! If you have time - read the comments that complete strangers left for the family. THAT'S HOW I WANT PEOPLE TO REACT TO MY LIFE! Or at least the description or flavor it's given in my obituary.

How should mine read? Those that know me the best know that I don't want something serious. Geez Louise! PLEASE - if I die "young" - say how. I don't want someone thinking something way off base. I also ask that BOTH my boys (and any future kids) are mentioned - and how much I loved them with all my heart. I've never had to write an obit for anyone else - so - I'm not sure under that strain what I would feel obligated to say. We did not have the heart to do an announcement for Bumble Bee. There is no way we could have handled seeing it in black and white. Do you think I should leave my family instructions? Or should I just write my own and let them tweak it when the time comes?

Maybe that's what I'll do over the next few days. Write my own obituary.

"I'm glad that I am born to die.... From grief and woe my soul shall fly..." - I'm Going Home

P.S. PLEASE - there is a difference between being ready to die and wanting to. I DO NOT WANT TO! I want to be around to see Blue Bird's kids be born and grow.

OUCH!!!!

Well - I finally did it - I busted down and "waxed" my eye-brows. I used this wonderful product - Nads. I remember in it's hay-day you would see the commercials where the maker and her daughters would sit around and talk about the recipe - and would eat the stuff. Well - I didn't use it in my coffee - but it did quite a number on my brows. Let's just say - I now look like I am always surprised with a very pretty shade of pink "eye shadow".

You can tell Nads was not around when they made OZ..... Dorothy seems to be the only one that got plucked.....
And I guess I can understand the Lion - because first off - he's cowardly (like me) and probably ran from tweezers - then there's the whole being a lion thing. But what about the rest? No brains - no plucking? No heart - no wax? Oh - and you know what - after the lovely shade of pink it made my eye brows... I'm sure it would have clashed with the green skin....