Powerless is an understatement. I have hit a place where it seems like everything is wrong. Everything I do - everything I think - just everything. The only bright light in my day is being with Wizard and Blue Bird - and how much time is that? Forty five minutes in the morning and two to three hours in the evening? How can I be a mom in that short of time? Make sure he's fed, bathed, trying to teach him to brush his teeth (or at least let me try to do it), play..... And when I don't feel like I'm doing a good job there - then the guilt over Bumble Bee bubbles back up. Augh. I didn't want to do this kind of thing here. But my life - my mothering - is so much a part of both boys - that I feel like this is the only place I can.
ETA: It seems like I am not alone in this trip back into The Pit. One DB friend sent me an e-mail today that had the findings of a research study on "The Unique Experiences of Women and Their Families After the Death of a Baby". More confirmation that I am not crazy - at least not in this respect. Another friend posted on her blog how she is hurting for her son.
It's always just under the surface. Ready to smack me in the head. I am so sick and tired. Just so, so tired.
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2 comments:
Of course Bumble Bee belongs here, you all are a family. Your life is intertwined with his. (((HUGS)) It is easy to get thrown back into the pit. The hard part is digging back out.
Thank you D.! It's friends like you that make the digging a little easier.
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