Tonight is going to be rough. I know sleep will elude me more than normal. I woke up this morning from the worst nightmare.... And the worst part - is how the dream me handled it.
I dreamt that I took Blue Bird with me to work - but he was a baby again and in a carrier. While I was talking to my co-workers - I walked over to where he was sitting in his carrier - to find that he had died. He was cold... a little blue... stiff... and my dream self - just held him. No tears - no screaming... I held him. Kissed him. And put him back in his carrier.
Everyone kept working like they didn't want to accept what was going on. They would change the subject on me when I wanted to talk about it. I kept thinking that the police need to be called and that I hoped I would not be blamed.
I was trying to figure out how to tell my mom. I thought I'd call my step-dad and have him tell her. Then I went to look for a co-worker that is also a good friend - afraid that she was going to blame me. I looked over and saw that Blue Bird was all alone - so I went over and picked him up. And again - just held him. He looked like Bumble Bee now - the coloring... And I just rocked him.
Still no tears.
Then he moved. First just his legs... then I could hear him breath... and I was showing everyone that he was okay. And I thought "I wonder if he'll be different now".... and then my brain told me it wasn't Blue Bird I was holding - but Bumble Bee.
Then my alarm went off.
what the fuck
I am carrying this horror in my heart today. I did not want to leave for work - didn't want to drop Blue Bird off at the sitter's house. I felt like I needed to tell her about my dream so she'll keep a better eye one him today...
I know if it was Bumble Bee - I should be happy with the extra time I was given with him - even if it was in my dreams...
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