God and I have been talking for most of my life - and it seems like over the past 2 1/2 years - I've yelled at Him a lot. He made me - He knew how I would react to losing my Bumble Bee. So - this anger is not a surprise to Him. And normally - I can keep it pretty contained... His plan for Bumble Bee is for me to accept - if begrudgingly.... But there are some days when the anger just boils over. And you guessed it - today is one of them.
I check local headlines and CNN every morning - just to see what the world did while I slept. And I'm sure this shit has gone on for centuries - and it's just with the media that I get to hear about it.... But what is this world doing to its children? EVERY where I look today is another story of a mother - a father - a stranger... killing little ones.
Do you have any idea what I would do to get Bumble Bee back? Do you know how much I wanted to be a mom to that boy here on Earth? And there are people out there that treat children as if they are garbage - that they are expendable. How many do we not hear about?
I don't know how to stop this anger. It's not a new anger - but I think since our loss it just is so compounded. I know what I lost. I see it every day while watching Blue Bird grow.
As I sit here near tears - pissed at all creation... "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" by IZ just started playing on my I-Pod. Thank you little Bumble Bee - always close - bringing Mommy back down. I know I should be thankful for my time with both my sons - they are not mine - but a gift from God to have until He sees fit. I just wish I had more time - even one more minute.
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2 comments:
thats our song for our boy too. we played it at his funeral and it never fails to bring tears to my eyes.
you are right, it's not fair. it's so far from fair that its ridiculous. i will never understand why a crack addict can have 7 kids and ours never made it to birth.
i just have to believe that that was his fate. that he was only ever meant to live for those 37 weeks. if i even think anything otherwise i think i would lose my mind!!
I have to keep thinking that our little ones were so full of love - that they were already perfect and ready for they next place.
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