Still here....

Life has a way of getting in the way of everything else. Things have seemed to be weighing so hard on my heart and mind - most days I wake up vomiting - I find myself at this time of night in such an excited state of panic and anxiety that I feel like I'm just going to spontaneously combust - and having the feeling that it wouldn't be such a bad thing.
anger
self blame
frustration
trapped
out of control
waiting for the next axe to fall
I have been a rain cloud. I can't even say one is following me around - I AM THE CLOUD. And I hate it. I know - I am taking steps to try to get out of the place I am.... I have started seeing a counselor. Our plan of action - to teach me to control my emotions and my anger.... and hope that it in turn helps with all the other mess that is my brain and heart.

Well - I will try to keep you posted on my progress. Really hoping I can shake this. I really don't want Blue Bird growing up - thinking mom is off her rocker.

Gotta quit looking over my shoulder - seeing where that next tornado is....

As Fall comes near....

August starts the time of year that brings my heart to turmoil. There are precious little ones that I know are coming up on birthdays.... their moms are the ones that tried to lift my heart the best they could when we lost Bumble Bee. His third birthday is right around the corner.... And the questions are still there - why? what did I do for this to happen? Am I really a mother to a little boy in an urn that sits no more than 10 feet away from my bed? Is there nothing I can do to bring him back? Please?

Time....

It's been forever since I've been here. Work has been beyond stressful.... and by the time I get home - I just want to cuddle with Blue Bird and forget the day. But today is the first day of vacation - much, much needed vacation. Hoping to have some time to heal my heart and mind.

After Bumble Bee went away - I found a lot of peace and friendship at a pregnancy/parenting website with other moms to angels. My day revolved around touching base with everyone and helping new moms and just not being "abnormal".... But lately I find myself typing a response to a new mom's broken heart..... and then instantly erasing it..... I feel like a broken record and that my words can't make a difference.

What can I say? Words can't fix what's wrong. God - if they could - I wouldn't be the mess I am. I have two little boys in this house - one asleep in a crib - and one in an urn on a shelf. How does that make any sense? How is that right?

Sorry..... feels like tornado weather here.....

Surrender....

The tears have been creeping in every day. And I have been cutting them off each time. Blue Bird was fighting his nap this morning - so I put in a CD that I had made for him - with many of the songs that had been on his brother's nap CD too. I rocked and sang to him... and had to bite back the tears. All I want to do is sit here and cry. Cry for Bumble Bee - cry for the growing sense of loss - I am so blessed with every minute God lets us have Blue Bird - but it is an every day reminder of what we missed out on.... here they come... I just can't stop them. I give up - I surrender.

Unexpected Gift

When you are a DB parent.... you come to a place where you know you are not going to get anything "new" in the form memories for that child. That little spirit is not here anymore - so - the only memories after you say that last good-bye are the ones of your life with that missing piece.

I am not a good one with dates. Never have been - never will. I also did not think to make a big deal about my pregnancy - why concentrate on everything? It's not like it would make a difference once the baby gets here....... right? But after losing Bumble Bee - I scrambled to hold on to ANYTHING that was associated with him. Hell - if I would have known - I would have saved EVERYTHING about my pregnancy.... all the way down to the receipt from the pedicure I had two weeks before his birth. Yeah - finding anything associated with the DB becomes VERY important.

So - here's the gift I got this week. I had been very sick Tuesday and Wednesday - and finally decided to drag my butt to Urgent Care. They asked when was the last time I visited them - and I remembered - it was when I thought I had the stomach flu. That flu bug turned out to be me - pregnant with Bumble Bee. The receptionist must have thought I was nuts - because I asked her - for a pen - and the date that I had been there.....

March 7th, 2007.

I did not know this date.

I have something new.

A gift.

Poppies... Poppies. Poppies will put them to sleep.

Photo by нσвσ

Tonight is going to be rough. I know sleep will elude me more than normal. I woke up this morning from the worst nightmare.... And the worst part - is how the dream me handled it.

I dreamt that I took Blue Bird with me to work - but he was a baby again and in a carrier. While I was talking to my co-workers - I walked over to where he was sitting in his carrier - to find that he had died. He was cold... a little blue... stiff... and my dream self - just held him. No tears - no screaming... I held him. Kissed him. And put him back in his carrier.

Everyone kept working like they didn't want to accept what was going on. They would change the subject on me when I wanted to talk about it. I kept thinking that the police need to be called and that I hoped I would not be blamed.

I was trying to figure out how to tell my mom. I thought I'd call my step-dad and have him tell her. Then I went to look for a co-worker that is also a good friend - afraid that she was going to blame me. I looked over and saw that Blue Bird was all alone - so I went over and picked him up. And again - just held him. He looked like Bumble Bee now - the coloring... And I just rocked him.

Still no tears.

Then he moved. First just his legs... then I could hear him breath... and I was showing everyone that he was okay. And I thought "I wonder if he'll be different now".... and then my brain told me it wasn't Blue Bird I was holding - but Bumble Bee.

Then my alarm went off.

what the fuck

I am carrying this horror in my heart today. I did not want to leave for work - didn't want to drop Blue Bird off at the sitter's house. I felt like I needed to tell her about my dream so she'll keep a better eye one him today...

I know if it was Bumble Bee - I should be happy with the extra time I was given with him - even if it was in my dreams...

Mr. Blue Bird on my shoulder....

I did get my tattoo over the weekend! Love it! If you have ever seen a new tattoo - you know the first week or two - they are not pretty. Remember how the ink gets there - needles - so - there is scabbing. So - I thought I would at least post the ink stencil Sarah made....

To keep it soft - she did not tattoo an outline - it's all color / shading. Did it turn out EXACTLY like this picture? No. She improvised and tweaked things here and there. It doesn't help that I am a very moley (sp?) person - so - she had to work around those.

My little blue bird ignored the tattoo all day on Saturday. But Sunday came - and he decided that patting the bird was the thing to do. OUCH!

I'm hoping the healing will be complete in a week or two - and I will post a picture then!

Someone loves me!!!!!

How tickled I was when stalking.... ur... visiting Suzy's blog and read that she picked me for.....

When you receive the Happy 101 Award, you have to list 10 things that make your day and then list 10 blogs worthy of this award. Post a link to the blogs you nominate, and make sure you let them know that they have been nominated!

(1) Blue Bird's smile. His whole face lights up all the way through his eyes.

(2) Blog up-dates. I think those I stalk would be amazed at how often I check to see if they've posted.

(3) Waking up to Wizard. He has the most incredible heart. He is a wonderful husband and father.

(4) Fully charged I-Pod. Love keeping my music close by

(5) Talking/e-mailing with mom. Yes - she is a part of the "Evil Overlords" - but she knows my heart

(6) Seeing the momma bird on her nest. I know this one will not last - but I love seeing her there in the morning - keeping her eggs safe.

(7) Pictures from sitter. In the afternoon - Bird's sitter usually sends me a picture - so I can see what my little man is up to

(8) Touching base with internet friends. There are a wonderful group of ladies that have helped me through losing Bumble Bee - love keeping up with them

(9) Pictures on my desk. I really don't love my job - so - seeing my boys' pictures during the day - keeps my heart light.

(10) A good book or three. I am in the middle of three books right now - I love being able to sneak a few pages in every day.

Picking 10 bogs? I'll have to work on this and edit later.

Back to Kansas to bring back to OZ?

Who knew a simple TV show would throw my heart into a tornado....

The show is "Fringe" - I was really into it when it first started but had stopped watching it until last night. If you haven't watched the show - it's basically about strange occurrences that seem to all come back to scientific studies one man (who is now loony) had been doing in the 70's. It's just now starting to get to the meat of what he was actually doing back then. It all boils down to his son was dying - and he was doing whatever he could to save him.

In the 70's, he had discovered a way of looking at a parallel universe - where our lives could be different. He could see "himself" working on a cure on the "other side" (we'll call it Kansas) - hoping to see what he needed to do to save his boy. But - while he was busy watching and working in his world (we'll call it OZ) - his son dies. And you guessed it - shortly after they bury his son - Kansas him does find the cure - but doesn't see it. So - OZ him decides he's going to jump to Kansas - get his son - to bring him to OZ for a cure. When he gets to Kansas - he promises his wife in Kansas - he'll cure him and return him.

Are you still with me? He goes to Kansas - gets his son - brings him to OZ - and gives him the cure. As his son is laying in the lab - his OZ wife walks in. The scene is incredibly moving... she sees her son - knows what her husband had done - walks up - and places her hand over her son's mouth to feel his breath. She pulls him to her and looks at her husband.... He tells her he's healed - but he promised to take him back to Kansas....

But you guessed it - that's what makes the whole story - because in the future in OZ - his son is alive and well... he never took him back.

wow. In my heart I always thought - if I could have just gone back and made different desicions so Bumble Bee could be here with us.... But what if it is at the cost of another little one? Making another mom not get her child?

I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy. Never.

But to see another woman pick her own heart over someone elses - I have to stop and think - if I really knew... if deep down I knew it was possible to have him back...

what would I decide?

Mish-Mosh

I have not been able to get the perogies done. I have the filling made, the butter and onions precooked.... but between feeling exhausted and Blue Bird going through some kind of phase (very clingy, won't eat... more teeth coming in?) - I just haven't gotten any further. Trying to not throw in the towel this year and get store made ones.... but the closer we get to the weekend - that's looking more and more like the right idea.

Good news on the weight loss front - 3 pounds down this week! We are having a "Greatest Loser" contest here at work (started on Monday) - so - that's helping me to keep an eye on what I eat and to get moving more. Even went to a "Boot Camp" workout yesterday at lunch time. Can barely move today - but - as they say - no pain no gain!

In an odd place right now. I just feel so far away from Bumble Bee. Not sure what I need to do to fix it. His flower box at the house needs worked on. Maybe I can tackle that after work a few nights this week. Goodness knows we need to get our butts out in the fresh, warm air while it's actually here.

Okay - done rambling. Hope to post something productive soon. :o)

Hippity, hoppity, Easter's on it's way!

It's almost here! Easter! Hands down my favorite holiday. Many happy childhood memories go with Easter - all the kids on my Bio-Dad's side posing on the back of Grandma and Grandpa's couch with our Easter baskets in hand... being at my great Aunt's house after church with a long row of suckers (how they used to package the little, flat suckers)... as a teen going to church with my Granddad and Bubba for mid-night mass and the blessing of the basket... Granddad and Bubba showing us how to make bunnies out of Styrofoam balls and pink & white pipe cleaners... coloring eggs...

I am attempting year #2 of making home made pierogi. Last year I was able to make about 3 dozen potato and cheese ones... but got bored and hated being stuck in the kitchen with a cute 4 month old in the other room. I have stolen the recipe from Gary and Chris Dyrkacz's website.... http://home.comcast.net/~dyrgcmn/Pierogi/pierogi.html. Just perfect!!!! I have also taken up their suggestion and purchased the Cut-and-Seal from Pampered Chef (placed the order the Monday after last Easter). So - I'm hoping with the cheating utensil - to make many more potato/cheese pierogi and even some sour crout ones! Oh yum, yum.... just dripping in butter and onion goodness.... I hope to be able to take lots of pictures to share with you! It will keep me on pace this weekend - knowing I have to show some proof of completion.

This year I am also hoping the weather cooperates so we can have an Easter Egg Hunt at the Evil Overlords'. The thought of watching Blue Bird stumble around the yard with a basket warms my heart. Oh - and I have ordered a hand made tie for him and a new dress shirt (JC Penney). I LOVE the website http://www.etsy.com/ and try to order anything I can there instead of going through retail stores. JoJoDesign has great looking ties!

I ordered letter A for Blue Bird. I can not wait to see him in it!!!! Now if I could just find something for me to wear - I'll be all set (Wizard is on his own).

Big question - should I attempt to dye eggs with a 15 month old?

A message to a friend...

I can't make you look at what you have. I can't force you to change. I can only pray... for guidance to do what I can for you... pray that your heart and spirit are lifted to do what you need to do for yourself. I know it's easy to stand on the outside and think I see the right path for you to take. But anything is better than where you are at right now. There are so many people that love you. I wish you could see the woman I see. You are worth the fight.

ETA - and those munchkins are SO worth all the work in the world.

Lions and Tigers and Bears - Oh MY!!!

You know I've just been waiting and waiting to use that line!!!!

Took a trip to the zoo today. It was gorgeous here at home - drove the hour and a half north - to find it frigid. I'm such a bad Mommy. Had to stop first thing at the gift shop and by Blue Bird new hat and gloves. We had tons of fun. He still loves watching the kids more than the animals... but he seemed to really get a kick out of the monkeys, the wolves (he tried to bark at them as they passed), and a stork. Yes - a white stork was sitting just on the other side of a fence - about 18 inches from Blue Birds comfy, warm spot in his wagon (which is new - and he LOVES it)... They sat there and stared at each other. Too cute.



Doesn't he look like a rock star - hiding from his fans? I figure he's disguised well enough - Wizard won't get bitchy about me sharing this picture with "the world".

P.S. Tattoo appointment made! 04/10/2010 at noon! Getting a sketch from the artist soon - will share!

Seriously - What the hell?

God and I have been talking for most of my life - and it seems like over the past 2 1/2 years - I've yelled at Him a lot. He made me - He knew how I would react to losing my Bumble Bee. So - this anger is not a surprise to Him. And normally - I can keep it pretty contained... His plan for Bumble Bee is for me to accept - if begrudgingly.... But there are some days when the anger just boils over. And you guessed it - today is one of them.

I check local headlines and CNN every morning - just to see what the world did while I slept. And I'm sure this shit has gone on for centuries - and it's just with the media that I get to hear about it.... But what is this world doing to its children? EVERY where I look today is another story of a mother - a father - a stranger... killing little ones.

Do you have any idea what I would do to get Bumble Bee back? Do you know how much I wanted to be a mom to that boy here on Earth? And there are people out there that treat children as if they are garbage - that they are expendable. How many do we not hear about?

I don't know how to stop this anger. It's not a new anger - but I think since our loss it just is so compounded. I know what I lost. I see it every day while watching Blue Bird grow.

As I sit here near tears - pissed at all creation... "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" by IZ just started playing on my I-Pod. Thank you little Bumble Bee - always close - bringing Mommy back down. I know I should be thankful for my time with both my sons - they are not mine - but a gift from God to have until He sees fit. I just wish I had more time - even one more minute.

If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow, Why, oh, why can't I?

Rainbows and Blue Birds.... so happy my life has both in the form of my little man. I have a small tattoo on my left wrist with Bumble Bee's name, birthday, and a happy, fuzzy, fat bumble bee. So - I have been saving here and there - and I think I have enough $ to go ahead and get my next tattoo.... a blue bird. I e-mailed the artist that did Bumble Bee's tattoo to get the ideas started. Keep your fingers crossed - hope to have the work done before the end of the month!

There's No Place Like Home

ETA - This is not a "I'm leaving now" letter! If this is the first post of mine you have ever read - PLEASE read the one before this. Sweet Pete - I don't want anyone thinking I'm planning on leaving this Earth soon. I plan on going kicking and screaming. This is my attempt at writing my obituary. I'm still here and I want to keep it that way for a long time. :o)

Dorothy Gale - AKA Bird - AKA Baby Girl - AKA Mom - finally got to head on home to spend some time with her little Bumble Bee and many family and friends. She didn't want to go - she loved and cherished every minute with Wizard and her little Blue Bird. But she left knowing they would be all together again someday and she was not afraid. She leaves behind her husband who she kept on his toes 24 / 7 - whom she credited with making her a better person and a good mom. She also leaves her precious Blue Bird who she adores. She wanted more than anything to teach him the value of family and the importance of laughter.....

Wow... this is harder than I thought it was going to be. I want it to not be so much about my life and the things I did - but my chance to say good-bye. That's what I want my obit to be.... me getting to say good-bye to those I love.....

To the Family and Friends of Dorothy Gale,

No worries. If you are reading this in the morning paper - I have left to go see my Bumble Bee, my grandma and grandpa, my granddad and Bubba, my Pop and Granny.... and too many others that I have missed so much while on this Earth. No tears please - my life was full of love, happiness, and character building - it was a great life. I got to carry Bumble Bee for 9 wonderful months - to feel those kicks - and to be there when he silently earned his wings to teach me the true lesson of love. I got to see my Blue Bird grow, to hear him laugh, to learn that there are no boundaries to a Mother's love. I got to spend the greatest years of my life with Wizard - who taught me that love concurs even the darkest days and that no matter how crazy life would get - that a peck on the cheek and a pinch on the bottom could solve it all. My Evil Overlords taught me the importance of our family - that no matter how much they drive you nuts - they are YOUR nuts - all from the same tree. My Bio-Dad taught me what I needed to know about knowing when to let go of the past and concentrate on the now. My Evil Twin taught me to keep listening to music and to take time for myself. My Tender Hearted Big Brother taught me that no matter what is thrown your way or where you land - that with perseverance you can always come out on top. My Giant Little Brother taught me about the power of keeping that little kid inside me alive and more about taxes than anyone should want to know.

There is no great distance between us - just time. And time for me is now not an issue - my wait will not feel long... I will see each of you again. Just remember - I love you. Keep talking to me - I'll be there to listen. When you need a shove in the right direction - I'll be the wind behind you - helping you along. Please don't think of it as me haunting you - it's me still trying to be a part of your life.

Take care of each other. Never forget my love for you.

Love,
DG

Ding dong, the witch is dead!

Do not panic loved ones - no one has died! Well - at least in my real world as of late. I think the family has actually gone almost a full year without losing someone. Thank God.

I have had a morbid attachment to death for a long time. Even before Bumble Bee - all the way back into college - I often though about my own demise. I change my ideas / thoughts / feelings about it over time with what goes on in my life. I think of what songs I want at my memorial ("I'm Going Home" a sacred harp song, "In This Heart" by Sinead O'Connor, "I'll Fly Away" - a song I loved to sing at church as a child), what I want done with this body of mine (give parts to those that need them and then cremate me - put me in the sunny spot in the family cemetery)......

I am not afraid of death and I want no one crying over me. A big part of it is because I know when I go I get to see Bumble Bee and many other people I love and adore (and my friends' little angels). Some of it also comes from the fact that I had to think about it seriously at one point in my life. In the back of an ambulance - thinking the Evil Overlords have each other - they'll be okay.... my Evil Twin had her first munchkin (he was too young to miss me) and her hubby, my Tender Hearted Big Brother had his wonderful wife and first munchkin on the way, Giant [much taller than me] Little Brother had his wife with his first munchkin on the way... someone would need to watch out for the Wizard and Bio-Dad... they would have the worst go at it. So - I was ready - and still am. Today - I'm thinking about how I want my obit to read.

That's where this whole post is coming from. I read a story in a local paper yesterday about an incredible obituary written for whom I suspect was a very incredible guy. I don't think the family will mind me sharing it with you - here's the link - http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/ohio/obituary.aspx?n=denis-kuhlke&pid=140059502 How better to be remembered! If you have time - read the comments that complete strangers left for the family. THAT'S HOW I WANT PEOPLE TO REACT TO MY LIFE! Or at least the description or flavor it's given in my obituary.

How should mine read? Those that know me the best know that I don't want something serious. Geez Louise! PLEASE - if I die "young" - say how. I don't want someone thinking something way off base. I also ask that BOTH my boys (and any future kids) are mentioned - and how much I loved them with all my heart. I've never had to write an obit for anyone else - so - I'm not sure under that strain what I would feel obligated to say. We did not have the heart to do an announcement for Bumble Bee. There is no way we could have handled seeing it in black and white. Do you think I should leave my family instructions? Or should I just write my own and let them tweak it when the time comes?

Maybe that's what I'll do over the next few days. Write my own obituary.

"I'm glad that I am born to die.... From grief and woe my soul shall fly..." - I'm Going Home

P.S. PLEASE - there is a difference between being ready to die and wanting to. I DO NOT WANT TO! I want to be around to see Blue Bird's kids be born and grow.

OUCH!!!!

Well - I finally did it - I busted down and "waxed" my eye-brows. I used this wonderful product - Nads. I remember in it's hay-day you would see the commercials where the maker and her daughters would sit around and talk about the recipe - and would eat the stuff. Well - I didn't use it in my coffee - but it did quite a number on my brows. Let's just say - I now look like I am always surprised with a very pretty shade of pink "eye shadow".

You can tell Nads was not around when they made OZ..... Dorothy seems to be the only one that got plucked.....
And I guess I can understand the Lion - because first off - he's cowardly (like me) and probably ran from tweezers - then there's the whole being a lion thing. But what about the rest? No brains - no plucking? No heart - no wax? Oh - and you know what - after the lovely shade of pink it made my eye brows... I'm sure it would have clashed with the green skin....

Ah ha!!!!!

<---- Now I know why I need to start a beauty routine! It's all so clear now! It's how I can keep Wizard from roaming. (click on pictures to enlarge)

And I figured out what my self esteem problem has been all of these years - not enough pop as a child.....

You have no power here! Now begone, before somebody drops a house on you!

Powerless is an understatement. I have hit a place where it seems like everything is wrong. Everything I do - everything I think - just everything. The only bright light in my day is being with Wizard and Blue Bird - and how much time is that? Forty five minutes in the morning and two to three hours in the evening? How can I be a mom in that short of time? Make sure he's fed, bathed, trying to teach him to brush his teeth (or at least let me try to do it), play..... And when I don't feel like I'm doing a good job there - then the guilt over Bumble Bee bubbles back up. Augh. I didn't want to do this kind of thing here. But my life - my mothering - is so much a part of both boys - that I feel like this is the only place I can.

ETA: It seems like I am not alone in this trip back into The Pit. One DB friend sent me an e-mail today that had the findings of a research study on "The Unique Experiences of Women and Their Families After the Death of a Baby". More confirmation that I am not crazy - at least not in this respect. Another friend posted on her blog how she is hurting for her son.

It's always just under the surface. Ready to smack me in the head. I am so sick and tired. Just so, so tired.

I'll get you my pretty!

Yeah - calling me "pretty" gives you the same eye rolls as calling me "Ma'am" or "Lady". I think the context it was said in the movie is the ONLY way I'd be okay with it.

Well - my quest for all things pretty on the internet took some very odd turns. To the point where I'm not so sure where to begin.... what I should be looking for... What words do you even use in your search? Pretty.... beauty.... fashion....

What started this whole idea and quest? I stalk a few blogs of DB parents.... Just to see that we are not freaks in our thoughts about our journey in OZ..... To be a giver of - I wouldn't call it wisdom - but maybe to provide a thought or a little bit of comfort of the other walkers of this fickle Yellow Brick Road. ANYWAY! One of my cyber friends had a link to a website where I was pushed into this feeling of wanting to be pretty....
http://www.superkawaiimama.com/
Can I just say WOW!!!! The hair, the make-up, the incredible style Candace DeVille has! Her site just wants me to want to be girly. (ETA: Check out the links she has listed - more world of girly!!!!)

So - where am I with this whole idea.... Still in the idea phase. I am procrastinating soooooo bad about starting any type of beauty routine. Even typing that makes me shutter. I think I am still fighting with the "Is is worth my time?" But - I also hear that little voice (yes - I do hear voices - sue me) - "Aren't you worth taking that time?" So - again - the internal battle is happening. Not sure how far I'm going to take this idea here...... we'll see how the hat sits on my head!

I feel pretty, Oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty.....

Oops - wrong movie!


Those that know me in TRW - know that I am the poster child for low maintenance. Make-up - rarely. Clothes - jeans and t-shirt. Hair - oh sweet Pete - short? long? blond? brown? streaky highlights? It changes more often than I would like to admit. I run with - It's what's on the inside the matters! Don't judge a book by its cover! Yadda, yadda, yadda....

But what about how I feel about me? Do I like me? Well - I'm working on it. I love how the hubby always tells me to take a shower - you'll feel better. Really? Hot water and some suds fixes what I got?

I have been recently toying with the idea that I need to start taking better care of myself. Not just losing weight and exercising.... but taking a little pride in how I look. Maybe I can pull myself up and get a better feeling towards every day if the lady in the mirror didn't look like Miss Elmira Gulch (see - I got back to the OZ theme - you were waiting for it weren't you?). Quit using the excuses that I have a little one - that I don't have the time - I'm too over-weight to find cool clothes (but really - have you looked at fat lady clothes? Why do the designers think we like big flowers and gaudy colors?) - who cares how I look?

So - where do I start? OKAY - friends - quit yelling about the eyebrows - I know - but damn that wax hurts! No, seriously.... where does one look for inspiration? My new goal for the rest of this week - look for inspiration on-line. If I can sit and look at pages and pages of LOLCatz craving their cheezburgers - I can find some prettiness out there!

Wish me luck!

(Glinda) Are you a good witch, or a bad Witch?

(DG) I'm not a witch at all. I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas.


Well - used to be from Kansas... jury is still out on the witch part.

Since losing Bee - we're in OZ. A very strange land that makes a person question if they are a good witch - or a bad witch.



DB Parents get this from those around them - What did she do to make her baby die? Did she not listen to her doctor? Why didn't they push for a c-section when the induction failed? We do it to ourselves......What if we would have put the car seat in before leaving for the hospital? Should I have questioned why that last bio-physical took so long?

And it doesn't stop with Bee. It goes on with Bird too. Shouldn't they have waited longer? Are they trying to replace Bee?...... Should we do this again? Are we being dishonorable towards Bee? Am I worthy of a child or is God going to take this one away too?

Raising Bird has had it's demons too. We question everything and everyone. Question if we're disciplining right... feel guilty for getting frustrated....you can't find patience with a 13 month old after your first one is dead?.....

I love both of my boys with all my heart. Just wish (for both their sakes) - that it wasn't such a damaged heart.

Wonder if the TinMan would trade me?

Follow me down the yellow brick road....

So - I assume you have guessed - I'm a fan of The Wizard of Oz. How can I not be? The story of a girl... who gets ripped from her "normal"... journey's into the unknown with her best friend... meets some great friends (and realizes how precious some old friends are too)... fights evil... finds her inner strength... and knows the value of rainbows. My life mimics that. My tornado hit when I lost Bumble Bee - my first son. The journey into the unknown - well - that's my daily life since losing him. The best friend is my husband - I'll call him The Wizard (I'm sure he would not like to be called Toto). Those friends would be all those that have walked by my side since the tornado - those on a similar journey - and those that knew me before the storm. Fighting evil? Well - that would be the daily fight against sadness, guilt, The Pit.... Inner strength? Still working on it. I have my rainbow [child born after loss] that I call my little Blue Bird. He keeps me going - makes me want to keep fighting evil - working on that inner strength...

So - have I scared you yet? Wanna follow me down this yellow brick road? I can't promise that I will always be singing and skipping. Goodness knows there are days where I feel more like The Wicked Witch of the East - smashed under a house - with my ugly socks on. Some where I am stuck - clicking my heals - trying to go back to life before the winds blew me onto this course. And then there are the days when I'm more like Glinda - and you'll want to slap the happy right out of me. Come on - it'll be fun!